Journal Entry, After.

love is odd…
greg and I both told 
each other 
we could so easily
fall in love with 
each other.
 
but that was before we were together physically
and
all 
that mess.
 
he could leave me, something tells me he won’t
 
he washed the sheets but he didn’t kiss me
goodbye
 
I was miserable.
and that empty feeling
of walking through p&c at midnight
carrying that apologetic red carnation, that
capless toy gun, and those
 
damn pads (for the bleeding…)
 
that was normal right?  it wasn’t like he . . .
no.  he didn’t.
 
and that man
sitting in the aisle of the store reading a comic
book
what brings a person to do that?
(oh god, never make me that lonely!)

or that crazy.  
but who’s to say he was 
really, 
either?

and greg.
 
how did he feel when he couldn’t get inside me?
(I didn’t mean to disappoint him . . .)
Did that make me bad?
 
and matt said greg wouldn’t respect me
well, maybe that’s the case.
 
(did he?)
 
Hell, I shouldn’t respect him, he’s the one 
who tried his hardest
to seduce me 
when I said
 
NO, Pull out.
 
the point is that we were both there.
(right?)
We both had sex.  
JUST had sex.  
 
(He said to me after, “so in other words, I hurt you
really bad?”)
 
then he asked me if it felt good.
 
I feel confused.
I wish he were here so we could talk 
(to tell him how I had to go to the dr. for those pills,
and how he tore me)
and he could explain things to me and
kiss  me.
 
Oh God let it be real, say he wants me.
 
I know that he doesn’t want me because I’m just
not special.
I kinda have this feeling he 
changed on me 
after 
what happened
 
so much . . . 
unpleasantness
 
but I wanted it, 
right?