Hide and Seek.

Upstate it’s snowing
I laughingly gave my condolences
As my heat finally roared to life
With the clang of the radiator
In my Brooklyn apartment.
 
I was so happy to leave my blanket cocoon
So happy I began to cook
Modern appliances whirling 
And then darkness
 
Sudden.
 
“Fuck!”
 
The kittens scattered, confused 
By my sudden outburst 
Scurrying as I cursed, slammed
My way through the rooms
Upturning every nook
I could ever think to put a business card
 
In the black, in the howl 
Of the northern wind outside
The rain pelting my windows
I sat at my desk
Held my head
Realized I couldn’t call my super
The number lost
The building empty
And me in the dark.
 
I somehow lit a candle
Shadows surrounded me
I laid on my couch 

And mused how this could be romantic
If only I wasn’t so afraid
To fall and be vulnerable and try
 
And on I laid
The radiator stopped clanking
My heart raced
Cold settled back in
And I wrapped myself up again
And eventually I began to cry
 
I cried of a lost love
I cried for not having someone 
Smarter and more able and more brave
To help
My heart is racing and it’s so hard to explain
That sometimes I have no voice
And sometimes everyone has fangs
In the dark, in the howl
It felt ok to be weak 
To toss aside my independence
It’s hard to explain
That sometimes I would starve 
Rather than go outside
And sometimes I’d rather freeze
Then knock on a door
 
Somewhere a siren howled
It’s hard to remember 
You’re surrounded by millions
When the windows are tightly
Curtained to keep out the drafts
 
I cried for five minutes
Slow, silent, chilly wetness 
From my eyes, down my cheeks
Turning my head
A practiced and perfected motion

Before they tickled my ears
 
Then I got up
I tripped across the cats
Walking through the empty
I could feel bad
And yes I do but
I could feel worse
But at this time I don’t
 
I am unloved
I am not in love
I do not feel love
Only cold
And frustration
 
My eyes begin to adjust
Flames abound
I light more candles
I settle, I phone for pizza
I miss my electric space heater
I miss my ex boyfriend
I miss my mom
I realize it’s the first time
In a long time
I’ve sat this way
Cold dark and alone
 
I consider my empty bank account
A newly published book
It’s all so ironic
To be someone yet no one
Spending my days trying to convince
Others that I am bigger than I am
That I am smarter 
And more beautiful
And more talented
That I string together moments of belief

Wear them like an amulet 
Around my neck
To protect me
From those 
I want to love me
 
Chilled bones
Nine o’clock
No internet, dying battery on my phone
A hiss
Growing in fervor
Boiler whispers in my ear
It could be a long night
If I don’t give in to sleep
It could be a long life
If I don’t give in to the hide
And the seek.