And Again - A Memoir of a Life Disordered

Coming in FALL 2010.

This book is a frank and honest portrait of a young woman living with Borderline Personality Disorder. Since I was five, it's hard to remember a time when I wasn't depressed, anxious, and paralyzed with the fear of being abandoned by those I loved. One hundred pounds by kindergarten, two hundred by age ten, I was an obese and alienated child growing up in rural Upstate New York. From an early age I dreamed of greatness but was constantly reminded of my limited prospects as the daughter of poor dairy farmers. My lack of self-esteem and loneliness led me to occasional crippling depression, self-mutilation, and an inevitable addiction to food. As the disorder grasped my brain in a death grip, my thinking and behavior became more erratic which led to impulsivity and bad decisions resulting in promiscuity, date rape, multiple suicide attempts, compulsive lying, manipulation, psychotic breaks, and panic attacks. On and off medication, in and out of therapy, the pattern of disrupted and unstable relationships and episodic depression continued for the next five years until my fifth suicide attempt led to a period of involuntary institutionalism.

And Again: A Memoir of a Life Disordered details these years with unabashed sincerity and wincing candor. From the pain of schoolyard bullying to the desperation of a young woman attempting to toss herself off a Brooklyn roof, this book opens the conversation about Borderline Personality Disorder and its prevalence in American society. It is a widely studied yet very misunderstood and misdiagnosed condition. This is also one of few memoirs that approaches the cyclical nature of mental illness realistically and does not paint a falsely cheerful depiction. It is a book about survival and strength, despite oneself; about finding the courage to somehow float on and maintain a sense of humor while tripping, falling on your face, and climbing to your feet again. And Again.